The image still haunts me – "How to Conceive Naturally And Have a Healthy Pregnancy after 30" was the title of a book that sat for months on the arm of the sofa in the house I shared with my ex-husband. In early 2017, I would start trying to get pregnant. This too was a decision I hadn’t intentionally chosen, it was just what you did. You got married, you bought a house, you got pregnant. I wasn’t raised in any form of traditional anything, and yet the volume of this cultural expectation was so loud that it drowned out any viable alternative.
Really beautifully written Anya, and an important message that I've been thinking about for a long time. Once the no kids decision was made and my partner had his vasectomy, I had to be really careful not to allow myself to fall into a massive pressure hole of "well, if I'm not having kids, then what am I doing with my life?" I sort of felt this need to justify the childlessness with something meaningful, but after a while I realised life is ALREADY meaningful without me artificially injecting some other forced layer on top.
I also decided to re-define what motherhood meant to me and realised there were so many ways I was showing up in a "motherly" way for my my community. It was a journey of some years to reach that place, but going on that path really enabled me to access full joy, contentment and fulfilment from all those moments I share care for others, young and old (and also in the sense of environmental stewardship).
Thanks for this reflection, Zaz. And I agree, I have also leaned into other ways (and there are so many!) to embody motherhood without physically birthing children. So much to explore and discover there. I appreciate your support. <3
Felt this deeply and have been thinking about it ever since you posted this the other day. I think we are going to try and have kids, but after a previous super dangerous type of ectopic pregnancy a few years ago, I’m giving it one more shot and whatever happens, happens.
And thinking about it in the context of Maiden/Mother/Crone- what happens if we don’t birth a child? Do we just skip over Motherhood and go straight to Crone? Is there only the Mother or the Whore? I feel I have embodied the Whore for all of my life, so I do feel that longing to embody the Mother, but what does that look like outside of having your own children?
I’ve been feeling into the energetics behind Motherhood, and a common one I hear is the complete dissolving of your previous identity (in simple terms) and as I ease into my 30s, and go deeper into volunteering and horse rescue work, I find my Self less and less important. I am working towards a legacy with the work I do in this world, and that is a birth in and of itself, and a dissolving of the person I thought I was. These thoughts are far from complete- but I think about the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” and I intuitively feel that those who do not have children can still actively participate in the raising of the next generation in some way. That yes, there are many other women that can’t or don’t want to have their own children, but what does that look like in a community? I believe there are other ways to embody the Mother outside of childbirth.
Your thoughts are totally mirroring mine. I have thought a lot about what mother means beyond the context of birthing children, and I feel like there is so much vastness to it, and hardly any of it is discussed. Being a mother to the planet, to our communities, to our friends children, to our purpose, etc. I think my entire podcast project allowed me to embody the mother archetype - I felt very much like I was holding and nurturing a community like a mother would hold and nurture a child. I felt immense responsibility and reverence for what I was doing. When I meet people through the podcast, I feel this same sort of motherly energy toward them. They are listening to me, respecting me, seeing me as an example or mentor of some kind, and the way I engage with that role feels extremely mother-like.
I have also thought about this whole Mother/Whore polarity, if it even is a polarity? Of course there are a trillion different ways to embody or define "whore" just like "mother." I think the more I explore that archetype... specifically the archetype of the sacred whore, the more I see how motherly it is. There is care, and reverence, and a connection to the earth. There is a holding, and a service, and an offering. Putting one's self aside in honor of and in reverence to another.
I also don't know if whore is necessarily the only alternative to mother - the only in between phase between maiden and crone, but I do think there is something there worthy of exploration. But yeah I also just think there are so many ways to embody motherhood without literally pushing a baby out of us.
In response to my story the other day, a friend of mine who lives here in Crestone, who is a mother of three expressed a really beautiful sentiment that I loved. Basically she said there is a sacrifice to choosing motherhood AND opting out of it. We give something up regardless, and like you expressed, it takes a village and a group of different people on different paths to support the kind of communal reciprocal world we all crave.
Absolutely love your writing and your thoughts Anya. I wholeheartedly believe we need women in this world who choose not to have children so they can come forth and “birth” many other projects into existence 💗 I hold my friends so close to my heart who have chosen this path. They have become amazing mentors for my children and radiate a unique “inner child” in them, which I love so deeply.
I certainly never said that motherhood is a paradise of social reinforcement, nor did I criticize motherhood. That's a total misreading of what I wrote. I feel like you're exemplifying the exact encounter I write about in this piece - In speaking about my experience of not having children, you are centering your experience of having them. Do we not each get to speak from our own experience without it negating the inverse experience?
Your experience and my experience are both true and valid. It's my belief that being a mother AND not being one comes with a great deal of sacrifice and grief. Each choice adds something to our lives, but also takes something away. That is the nature of choices. If you wrote a piece about the sacrifices of motherhood, would it be appropriate for me to chime in and say "But what about me? What about my sacrifices of being a woman without children? I'm disappointed you didn't also write about my sacrifices." How would that be fair? Especially if you were simply speaking about your experience, not saying any one choice or experience is better than the other.
Your comment "I suppose I should be thankful for what you have written, because it absolutely validates the feeling that sharing my lived experience is only seen as provocation or condescension to those on 'alternative paths'" leads me to believe that this is simply a belief you wanted reinforced, and used my piece to do so. But again, it's not what I said, nor how I feel. I'm sorry you were triggered by what I said, but please don't use my words about my own personal experience to validate your resentment. I have zero resentment toward mothers in general, and I agree our society punishes women regardless of whether or not they have children.
If you want to engage in a dialogue about this, next time it might be helpful to ask clarifying questions as opposed to make assumptions. "Do you feel women with children make no sacrifices?" "Do you feel that all women criticize you for not having children?" "Do you feel woman as a whole share the experience of not being valued in our culture?" These responses are far more geared toward nuanced dialogue, and would have illuminated that we are on the same page about all of this. Again, I'm sorry my experience disappoints you, but if you read the piece again, you might notice it says nothing of what you claim it does.
Anya thank you for your thoughtful response. My interpretation of your text was clearly clouded by my own past experiences, interactions and triggers. I apologize for seeing something that was not there. All the best to you.
Really beautifully written Anya, and an important message that I've been thinking about for a long time. Once the no kids decision was made and my partner had his vasectomy, I had to be really careful not to allow myself to fall into a massive pressure hole of "well, if I'm not having kids, then what am I doing with my life?" I sort of felt this need to justify the childlessness with something meaningful, but after a while I realised life is ALREADY meaningful without me artificially injecting some other forced layer on top.
I also decided to re-define what motherhood meant to me and realised there were so many ways I was showing up in a "motherly" way for my my community. It was a journey of some years to reach that place, but going on that path really enabled me to access full joy, contentment and fulfilment from all those moments I share care for others, young and old (and also in the sense of environmental stewardship).
Thanks for this reflection, Zaz. And I agree, I have also leaned into other ways (and there are so many!) to embody motherhood without physically birthing children. So much to explore and discover there. I appreciate your support. <3
Felt this deeply and have been thinking about it ever since you posted this the other day. I think we are going to try and have kids, but after a previous super dangerous type of ectopic pregnancy a few years ago, I’m giving it one more shot and whatever happens, happens.
And thinking about it in the context of Maiden/Mother/Crone- what happens if we don’t birth a child? Do we just skip over Motherhood and go straight to Crone? Is there only the Mother or the Whore? I feel I have embodied the Whore for all of my life, so I do feel that longing to embody the Mother, but what does that look like outside of having your own children?
I’ve been feeling into the energetics behind Motherhood, and a common one I hear is the complete dissolving of your previous identity (in simple terms) and as I ease into my 30s, and go deeper into volunteering and horse rescue work, I find my Self less and less important. I am working towards a legacy with the work I do in this world, and that is a birth in and of itself, and a dissolving of the person I thought I was. These thoughts are far from complete- but I think about the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” and I intuitively feel that those who do not have children can still actively participate in the raising of the next generation in some way. That yes, there are many other women that can’t or don’t want to have their own children, but what does that look like in a community? I believe there are other ways to embody the Mother outside of childbirth.
Your thoughts are totally mirroring mine. I have thought a lot about what mother means beyond the context of birthing children, and I feel like there is so much vastness to it, and hardly any of it is discussed. Being a mother to the planet, to our communities, to our friends children, to our purpose, etc. I think my entire podcast project allowed me to embody the mother archetype - I felt very much like I was holding and nurturing a community like a mother would hold and nurture a child. I felt immense responsibility and reverence for what I was doing. When I meet people through the podcast, I feel this same sort of motherly energy toward them. They are listening to me, respecting me, seeing me as an example or mentor of some kind, and the way I engage with that role feels extremely mother-like.
I have also thought about this whole Mother/Whore polarity, if it even is a polarity? Of course there are a trillion different ways to embody or define "whore" just like "mother." I think the more I explore that archetype... specifically the archetype of the sacred whore, the more I see how motherly it is. There is care, and reverence, and a connection to the earth. There is a holding, and a service, and an offering. Putting one's self aside in honor of and in reverence to another.
I also don't know if whore is necessarily the only alternative to mother - the only in between phase between maiden and crone, but I do think there is something there worthy of exploration. But yeah I also just think there are so many ways to embody motherhood without literally pushing a baby out of us.
In response to my story the other day, a friend of mine who lives here in Crestone, who is a mother of three expressed a really beautiful sentiment that I loved. Basically she said there is a sacrifice to choosing motherhood AND opting out of it. We give something up regardless, and like you expressed, it takes a village and a group of different people on different paths to support the kind of communal reciprocal world we all crave.
Absolutely love your writing and your thoughts Anya. I wholeheartedly believe we need women in this world who choose not to have children so they can come forth and “birth” many other projects into existence 💗 I hold my friends so close to my heart who have chosen this path. They have become amazing mentors for my children and radiate a unique “inner child” in them, which I love so deeply.
I certainly never said that motherhood is a paradise of social reinforcement, nor did I criticize motherhood. That's a total misreading of what I wrote. I feel like you're exemplifying the exact encounter I write about in this piece - In speaking about my experience of not having children, you are centering your experience of having them. Do we not each get to speak from our own experience without it negating the inverse experience?
Your experience and my experience are both true and valid. It's my belief that being a mother AND not being one comes with a great deal of sacrifice and grief. Each choice adds something to our lives, but also takes something away. That is the nature of choices. If you wrote a piece about the sacrifices of motherhood, would it be appropriate for me to chime in and say "But what about me? What about my sacrifices of being a woman without children? I'm disappointed you didn't also write about my sacrifices." How would that be fair? Especially if you were simply speaking about your experience, not saying any one choice or experience is better than the other.
Your comment "I suppose I should be thankful for what you have written, because it absolutely validates the feeling that sharing my lived experience is only seen as provocation or condescension to those on 'alternative paths'" leads me to believe that this is simply a belief you wanted reinforced, and used my piece to do so. But again, it's not what I said, nor how I feel. I'm sorry you were triggered by what I said, but please don't use my words about my own personal experience to validate your resentment. I have zero resentment toward mothers in general, and I agree our society punishes women regardless of whether or not they have children.
If you want to engage in a dialogue about this, next time it might be helpful to ask clarifying questions as opposed to make assumptions. "Do you feel women with children make no sacrifices?" "Do you feel that all women criticize you for not having children?" "Do you feel woman as a whole share the experience of not being valued in our culture?" These responses are far more geared toward nuanced dialogue, and would have illuminated that we are on the same page about all of this. Again, I'm sorry my experience disappoints you, but if you read the piece again, you might notice it says nothing of what you claim it does.
Anya thank you for your thoughtful response. My interpretation of your text was clearly clouded by my own past experiences, interactions and triggers. I apologize for seeing something that was not there. All the best to you.
Projecting, much?