What I'm Reading: January & February 2023
Trauma Magic, Wild Game & Going After Cacciato
Hello everyone! Welcome back to my “What I’m Reading” monthly series where I review books I read each month. Some of the books I feature will be ones I’ve read on my own, and others will be books I’ve read with this community as a part of the MGSW Book Club. (We just started the March book club, so there is still time to join if you’d like to - click here to join.)
Trauma Magic by Clementine Morrigan
The anguish and frustration I express to my therapist when I lament, ‘I can’t do this anymore, I can’t, I can’t, it’s too hard’, will not be erased no matter how many moments of healing, integration, transformation, pleasure, or joy I experience. The unbearable and the transformative continue to live side by side in my body and in my life.
I’m a big fan of
. She’s been a guest on A Millennial’s Guide to Saving the World twice (links below), and her honest and insightful writing about cancel culture, non-monogamy, spirituality, addiction, intimacy, and sobriety has inspired me for years.Part Masters thesis, part series of essays that once appeared in a zine under the same name, Trauma Magic is without a doubt what editor Tara McGowan-Ross calls it in the intro — a hero’s journey.
Clementine survived a traumatic childhood navigating the horrors of incest and sexual abuse, and as a result, turned to drugs, alcohol and self-harm as a teenager and young adult. Her trauma was then made worse by incarceration and the psychiatric industrial complex that “worked to undermine the embodied testimony of trauma by producing compliance”. Ultimately, through community support, spirituality, twelve steps and other forms of holistic, somatic therapy, Clementine embarked on a journey of healing that transformed her life.
Trauma Magic re-writes the story of what it means to experience trauma, and seeks to redefine the symptoms and coping mechanisms we employ to cope with the effects of trauma. Clementine proposes that these coping mechanisms are “an active strategy of resistance,” not a sign of personal dysfunction.
When we turn toward the possibility of trauma, we face both its staggering loss and its rich potential.
One of the ideas in this book that struck me the most was the idea that trauma, whether physical or emotional, brings with it an opportunity for deep connection and relationship to that which is greater than ourselves, both ecologically and spiritually. Ie, the symptoms of trauma, such as heightened sensitivity, and a non-linear sense of time, can serve as an invitation to connect and experience the world in deeply meaningful ways.
I fell into the allure of alcoholism, which is, as I understand it, an inverted quest for magic. I needed the bottle to connect at all, an because of the bottle, I was completely unable to connect. Such is the paradox of addition, and sickness … [it] results from trauma and manifests as a longing for, and inability to find spiritual, meaning, connection, relationship and magic.
In an astrology reading I received from Mark Jones back in 2018, he described a certain part of my chart1 as symbolizing the capacity for “tremendous creativity at a karmic, evolutionary level.” At first this statement confused me, because I had always assumed my life was fated and out of my control. However, as I thought more about what he said, the idea that we can approach our own evolution as a creative act has grown to be one of the most inspiring and guiding principles of my life.
When I see this quality embodied in others - a voracity for life, and a commitment to approach all things from a place of curiosity, courage, and determination, I become instantly smitten. There is nothing sexier than someone who approaches the ongoing hero’s journey of their lives with such a degree of passion and intention.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is, if you want to be inspired and turned on, you should definitely read Trauma Magic by Clementine Morrigan.
Wild Game: My Mother, Her Secret, and Me by Adrienne Brodeur
As any magician knows, it is not the smoke and mirrors that trick people; it is that the human mind makes assumptions and misunderstands them as truths.
When Adrienne Brodeur was fourteen, her mother woke her up to tell her that she had just been kissed by her husband’s best friend Ben. Adrienne became her mother’s closest confidante, and helped keep her mother’s affair a secret for over a decade.
What I found so compelling about this memoir is that while the story was undoubtably outlandish and extreme, it was also remarkably relatable. From codependency and enmeshment, to ancestral trauma, family dynamics, human fallibility, alcoholism, narcissism, grief, and so much more, I felt a lot of compassion and empathy for the characters in this story, despite their imperfections and the pain they were causing to themselves and others.
I saw myself a lot in this story, and while I can’t claim to have experienced anything similar as far as having to keep the secret of a parent’s affair, I certainly saw so many of my own family dynamics mirrored back to me in this story in ways that were often extremely uncomfortable and confronting.
At the end of the book, myself and fellow book club members weren’t totally convinced that Adrienne had fully processed the trauma she’d experienced relative to her relationship with her mother. (It was particularly interesting reading Wild Game right after reading Trauma Magic and comparing the hero’s journeys depicted in each).
It’s hard to know how much of this story was edited out or changed as a result of having to package and market it for public, mainstream distribution, but let’s just say the end was a little too “happily ever after” to be totally believable. Where was Adrienne’s rage and the rage of those she’d lied to? Did Adrienne really turn a new corner in her matrilineal ancestral line, or does she remain ignorant to the ways she may have inherited some of her mother’s unprocessed trauma? How would the other characters tell their version of this story? Which parts of our memory reflect truth vs. which are constructed narratives that help us believe what we want to believe?
Despite these lingering questions, I fully enjoyed Wild Game, and finished it in under a week. (Many members of the book club read it in just a day or two.) If you’re interested in the Mother Wound, family dynamics, and ancestral trauma, I highly recommend picking up a copy.
Erin Ginder-Shaw, my close friend and (former) Whore Rapport co-host helped me pick this book for our January book club, and helped me in leading our Zoom discussion, which you can watch the replay of below.
Going After Cacciato by Tim O’Brien
Even the refugee must do more than flee. He must arrive. He must return at last to a world as it is, however much in conflict with his hopes, and must then do what he can to edge reality toward what he has dreamed, to change what he can change, to go beyond the wish or the fantasy.
I have to admit, much to my embarrassment, that Going After Cacciato is the first war novel I’ve ever read, and this is precisely why this past iteration of the book club has been so enjoyable. Each month our book club has been co-hosted by friends, former podcast guests, and members of the MGSW community who have helped me to select books that I never would have selected on my own.
“Pick a book that speaks to you and that you also think would be beneficial to the MGSW community” was my only instruction to the co-hosts, and each of their selections brought unique ideas, perspectives and opportunity for reflection.
Going After Cacciato is a book about one young man’s experience fighting in the Vietnam War, but instead of focusing on the details of his day-to-day experience on the ground, the story is told through the lens of his subconscious mind. In an effort to cope with the trauma of the war, Paul Berlin spins fantasies and daydreams about going AWOL and walking all the way from Vietnam to Paris.
The book weaves a non-linear narrative that blends fantasy with reality, and portrays the embodied experience of a young man who’s forced to confront the horrors and trauma of war, with exquisite nuance and depth. In many ways, this book was a beautiful example of the “trauma magic” Clementine Morrigan writes about, and speaks to how our disassociation and escapism can serve as an invitation into realms we might not otherwise be able to access.
Going After Cacciato grapples with what it means to face the unfaceable, and the grueling process of locating our own groundedness, authenticity, strength and integrity in the face of extreme trauma and pain. Regardless of whether or not we ever experience what it’s like to be sent to war, Going After Cacciato tells a relatable tale of survival, courage, and the immense creativity we all possess when it comes to confronting the reality of our lives as a never-ending work of art.
For what is true obligation? Is it not the obligation to pursue a life at peace with itself?
Going After Cacciato was selected by Angie Hershberger, a longtime MGSW community member, for our February book club, and she also helped me lead the Zoom discussion, which you can watch the replay of below.
Interested in joining our book club for March? We’ll be reading The Dawning Moon of the Mind by Susan Brind Morrow. This book was selected by my close friend and regular MGSW podcast guest, Jenny Kellogg, who will also be helping me lead the Zoom discussion at the end of the month.
All the details for how to sign up can be found here, and stay tuned for a big announcement soon on the continuation of our book club over the next six months.
For fellow astro nerds, the specific part of my chart Mark Jones was referring to was a grand water trine with Venus conjunct Chiron in Cancer in the 4th, Pluto in Scorpio in the 8th, and my North Node in Pisces in the 12th.