In Honor of Letting Go
An Update From Anya
I remember the exact moment she said it.
I was looking out the window from my couch at around 3pm in Topanga Canyon, short of breath, with tears running down my cheeks. It was yet another one of those days when I felt unfairly targeted by the bright California sun, as if its warmth and exuberance were mocking my inner state of death and decay.
When I think back to those two years I lived in Topanga in 2017 and 2018, I feel twinges of embarrassment for the amount of repetitive and cyclical anxiety my grandmother put up with from me. I always anticipated judgement or dismay when she picked up the phone during another one of my moments of desperation, but instead I was consistently met with nothing but empathy, warmth and patience.
During this particular phone call, I was sharing my exasperation over the lack of communication and clarity I was getting from the man I was seeing at the time. Communication and clarity had never been traits he excelled at, but still, many months later, I was still beside myself as to why I couldn’t seem to command the universe to force him into giving me what I needed.
After a cringe-worthy amount of time listening to me share the same details over and over again, my grandmother said something I’m sure she’d said before, but which hadn’t landed until that very moment.
“It sounds like you’re struggling with issues related to control,” she suggested, with a tone of calm conviction.
In an instant it became very clear to me that so many of the issues I’d struggled with over the course of my life had come as a result of my voracious need to control things, and analogously, as a result of my inability to let things go. Identifying my tendency to over-control things in that moment didn’t solve the problem, but I will always remember my grandmother’s remark as a turning point - one of those “you can’t unsee what you’ve seen” moments.
There’s no denying that surrender is something humans seem to struggle with. I don’t think the Buddha would have put such an emphasis on the importance of letting go as a prerequisite for enlightenment if it was something that came to us easily.
However, to spare you all the details of my life’s collected works of signs and synchronicities, surrender has always been a particularly potent theme for me. From vivid, recurring childhood dreams of my house burning down, to “surrender and transcendence” being listed as my karmic life purpose in evolutionary astrology books, to looking up the psychological cause of my myriad health issues in Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life and reading “inability to let go” as the cause, the memo has been officially and uncomfortably received.
These days, my subconscious mind seems to become aware of the need to let go before my conscious mind can even identify what it is I need to let go of. It’s as if surrender has become the official groundskeeper of my consciousness, ready to greet anything I choose to hold onto too tightly with a look of apologetic sympathy and one of those patronizing “move along” gestures.
Like most lessons in life, the invitation for my continued surrender emerges in cyclical rhythms that wax and wane in intensity. These past few months have felt particularly intense. I had to let go of multiple assumptions I held about myself and the world. I had to let go of people I loved, and people I was growing to love. I had to let go of rigid ideas about what I expected my future to look like, and who I expected would be a part of that future. I had to let go (or, let’s be honest… I am still in the process of letting go) of my desire to seek external approval and legitimacy, and of the discomfort I feel identifying myself as a leader, an adult, and a writer.
I let go of my Patreon account in exchange for this Substack account, and today, I have decided to let go of my Discord server as well.
I started the Discord server during Covid. It was the 2.0 version of my evolving desire to foster community among listeners of the podcast. Before Discord, I had created WhatsApp chats of about 30 listeners each. They were successful at first, but ultimately the engagement waned, with the exception of one group (shout out to Group 4!) who has magically kept the chat alive to this day and still regularly meets via Zoom.
Discord came on the heels of the WhatsApp groups, but I’ve noticed that too has begun to wane in engagement and activity. Additionally, I can’t say I’ve ever really felt comfortable using the platform. It’s been a joy to get to know everyone in that space, but I feel the desire to encourage all of you to meet and engage here on Substack instead.
Posting my podcast on Substack gives listeners the ability to comment on episodes and share feedback with me directly. I will also create what’s called “open threads” where I can pose a discussion topic for the group, or just keep it open-ended for all of you to say whatever you want, ask me questions, ask for advice from me or the group, etc. Some feedback I got about Discord was that it felt overwhelming, so I am hoping generating open threads on Substack will feel a bit less daunting and a bit more thematic.
I have quite a number of ideas for how to continue to foster community in this space that I am looking forward to sharing with all of you soon, but for now, I will leave you with a request:
In an effort to help familiarize you with the platform and to generate some initial engagement, I’d love for you (if you’re willing of course) to find your favorite past episode and leave a comment telling me why you enjoyed it.
To do that… click the black button below and find the magnifying glass on the homepage. Search for your favorite episode, click on it, and leave me a comment!
Questions? Comments? Reflections? Feel free to leave them in the comment section of this post and stay tuned for more updates, our first community open thread, and much more in the coming days.
Also, in case you missed it, here is a poem I posted about, shocker… surrender!
Until next time…
Hey Anya !
It's fascinating to see u being so open about all the changes and the new things that you're doing. But that's Anya 101 !
Nevertheless, once again, I'm feeling super privileged to be part of your community.
You give so much to us and in the same time you're carefully asking about our feelings and feedbacks at every step or change.
You're a Creator and Seeker ( and you totaly deserve the capital C and S 😉).
It's a pleasure and an honour to follow your journey.
Life is just getting crazier outhere with the not so slow return to " normal " ( God I HATE this word).
But when I read u, watch u or listen to u, I'm like " man, there's still people like Anya. Just focus on that".
I want to believe that they're will be more and more people like you ( you're allready atracting them like a magnet).
Letting go of what doesn't resonate with u is never easy but I think that you're doing it gracefully, respectfully and with an oustanding level of honesty.
I sincerely admire that. It's so easy to be numbed by the " Matrix" nowadays (our undless distractions, the day to day grinding just to survive without freaking out, the Planet dying before our eyes... ).
So, dear Anya, I'm super gratefull for all that you already gave us / shared with us.
Let go of what u need to let go. Life is a constant impermanence anyway.
We love you, we respect you and we admire you.
Feeling a little bit guilty for not introducing myself on your Discord, that you were so kind to invite me to. Been too busy. 🙄 But I agree: Discord is quite overwhelming. I'd never used it before and was like "whoa". *slowly backs away*
But I love Substack! You are directly responsible for inspiring me to start one myself. Moved my email list here, and my brand new podcast. So excited to have everything in one place, and to easily interact with my own people as well as with the creators I follow.
Gonna go through your archive now and comment on my favorite episode. Even though I have many. Thank you for everything you do. 🙏🏻